This Lap Dance Changed My Life

The year was 2015.

It was a brisk October evening in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

On the main street of Nob Hill, the local theater was bustling with a the type of magical buzzing energy that only comes from a theater full of queers converging to watch several hours of gay sex on the big screen.

It was at the opening night of Pornotopia, a queer porn festival created and hosted by my friends at Self-Serve, the local feminist, queer and women-owned sex shop in town.

I was there as part of the opening act. My friend Dirty Lola was invited to bring her Sex-Ed-A-Go-Go stage show to the event--setting the tone for consent, respect, safer sex, and pleasure, as well as titillating the audience with a live lap dance performance for some lucky folx in the audience to start.

Guess who was giving the lap dances.

Yep. This guy.

That's me with the long hair and garters. My pronouns were she/her/hers and I had never questioned my gender identity as a cis woman before, but that would soon change.

The lap in this dance belongs to special guest Jiz Lee: non-binary queer porn and kink icon.

This moment of giving them a lap dance changed the trajectory of my whole life, because, before meeting Jiz at this event, I had never EVER met someone who was trans, non-binary, queer, and half-Asian.

Y'all: Jiz is a BIG deal in the world of porn. But more impressively, they are one of the kindest, most warm-hearted, genuinely melt-your-heart sweetest humans you could hope to meet. They're also a triathlete, a voracious bookworm, author of the critically acclaimed book "Coming Out Like A Porn Star".

We hit it off after the performance and I got to know them over the course of the weekend. I was so drawn to them, it felt like a crush. But slowly I realized what I was feeling was a sense of awe and wonder that they could exist so much as themselves.

Sitting across from them at breakfast one morning, I felt like I was looking at a alternate universe reflection of myself. We had so much in common, it seemed like we could be distant relatives, but the difference was they were living in their truth and I was not.

I suddenly felt like I was wearing all these masks and costumes, and none of them reflected who I truly was inside. I wanted to see what I would look like if I shed those layers, but I was also terrified because I didn't *know* who I truly was without them. I've never had the space to be anything other than the eldest daughter, the good girl, the loyal wife, the hard-working woman. What the heck would I even look like if I wasn't performing femininity?

At that diner booth over breakfast, I was trying to stay composed and cool for my new friend, but inside I was freaking out. I felt so close to a new way of being, but so far from actually experiencing it as my reality. I didn't know the first thing about how to be non-binary, but I knew I had to try. After that breakfast with Jiz, I could see a new possibility of existing on my own terms. That shift in perspective changed my actual life.

Meeting a trans, non-binary, Asian, queer person made me realize "Holy shit! I can also be that! I didn't even know that was an option!" Even if I didn't know how I was going to be that, at least I knew it was possible. I started to believe I could be whatever I wanted, if that's what felt right to me.

Here's the thing: I didn't know what would feel right. But I did know I couldn't keep living behind a façade.

So, I came out as non-binary shortly after, tried on they/them pronouns with friends and at work, cut my hair off, and have been growing into my authentic self-expression ever since. Today, I'm proudly trans and non-binary. My pronouns at the moment are he/him and they/them. It's been a journey, but I'm really happy with where I am now.

I'm sharing this because queer community is so incredibly important. We need safer spaces to be with and learn from one another. I am forever grateful that being a queer burlesque/exotic dancer provided me with the reason to be at this queer porn festival. If I had not volunteered myself to dance at this event, who knows what I'd be doing now.

What I do know is that the simple act of witnessing and seeing yourself reflected in others can be profoundly healing, as it directs us to witness, perhaps for the first time, our selves.

Within community, we grow.

Alone, we may hold onto those masks and costumes that no longer serve us, mistaking them for who we are.

Queer communities (like this one) are life-saving. Queer community is why I teach. It's why I create programs, workshops and classes online. Teaching is my way of gathering us in community, so we can learn from one another and witness one another in our fullest, authentic expression of self. Here, we can unlearn fear of each other, and practice completely new ways of being and relating.

Trust. Boundaries. Safety. Authenticity.

These can be so scary to practice out in the world. But you are welcome to practice them here.

I was compiling student feedback yesterday, and came across this:

“You have given me a space I didn't think could exist for me and I can honestly say that's life changing.”

This student is a queer, non-binary dancer talking about my self-paced, virtual trauma-informed Burlesque program.

Sometimes I wonder if teaching online still provides folx with a feeling of community connection when they're dancing at home, and this testimonial tells me that it does.

If you want to experience this space for yourself, check it out HERE. Feel free to share this post with your friends who may want to get in on this too.

Thanks for reading and sticking with me. It means the world.

Hope to see you on the virtual dance floor soon.

- Harmony Lee (he & they)

8 Critical Questions for Trauma-Sensitive Boundaries When Holding Space

WATCH THE 30-MIN WEBINAR REPLAY: https://youtu.be/JdlLBmRF3VY

1. What is your current capacity?

Another way to ask: “How full is my cup right now?” Be honest with yourself about what you can hold responsibly, and what you can not. For instance, if you are exhausted from hearing clients’ heartbreaking stories, that may be beyond your current capacity to hold.

MY CAPACITY IS ________________________________________________________

2. What would improve your ability to be fully present in this shared space?

In particular, what REQUESTS and BOUNDARIES would help you show up fully? You are invited to consider your level of rest, hydration, hunger, pain, and attention span. What can you do to be kind to yourself?

I REQUEST ________________________________________________________

I REQUIRE ________________________________________________________

3. What topics, information, and details would be appropriate for the situation?

You are invited to consider the mutual interest in the situation. For example, if you are a hair stylist, the mutual interests between you and your client may be a great haircut, delivering quality care, and creating a satisfying experience so the client comes back. It is ok to have boundaries to keep the mutual interest on track.

I invite you to picture a venn diagram. The overlap of the circles represents shared space between two people. Notice how each circle is still whole, but only a sliver is shared. We may consider this a metaphor for what we choose to share while holding space.

APPROPRIATE TO SHARE____________________________________

NOT APPROPRIATE:________________________________________

4. What questions, conversations, and discussion would orient your interactions towards the present moment?

It may feel more pleasant in the present. Engaging the senses is one way to connect with the present. Often, past and future worries can distract us from the present, but consistent, compassionate practice with mindfulness and grounding can help bring us back to the present.

If you need info on… Instead of this… Consider this….

Physical sensation “How’s it going?” “How does your body feel?”

Building rapport “How have you been?” “How can I best support you today?”

Emotional state “How are you?” “What does your energy feel like now?”

YOUR TURN:

If I need info on…

Instead of this…

I'll try this….

5. What support would help you honor your word?

Therapists, counselors, and professional listeners are helpful here. If you want to reach out to a friend or colleague, ask for their consent before engaging. If they say no, it’s ok to say “thank you” and continue looking for support.

MY SUPPORTS: ________________________________________________________

6. What is your response if your boundaries are not met?

Have a “game plan” with options for changing, improving, or removing yourself from the situation.

I CAN CHANGE____________________________________________

I CAN IMPROVE ___________________________________________

I CAN REMOVE ____________________________________________

7. What would nourish you before, during, and after the interaction?

Have a “game plan” for your self-care. Afterwards, consider what would help you RELEASE the interaction, and RECLAIM your energy.

BEFORE:_________________________________________________

DURING: ________________________________________________

AFTER: _________________________________________________

8. How would you show up if you felt safe?

Boundaries and requests help create safety. When we feel safer, we have more capacity for collaborative, pro-social engagement. This includes improved problem-solving, better listening skills, more creativity, and joy. Create a description of your ideal outcome.

IF I FELT SAFE, I WOULD ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Interested in learning more?

Now offering 4-week online coaching program specifically for setting trauma-sensitive boundaries with clients/customers.

Email yourgaydanceteacher@gmail.com for details.

"Your Gay Dance Teacher's" Origin Story

Hi, my name is Harmony.

I am a dancer.

I am also transgender (my pronouns are he/him/his and they/them/theirs), non-binary, queer, a veteran of the US Navy, and mixed race Chinese American. As a gender non-conforming adult learner in dance, it’s been challenging for me to feel like a “real” dancer, but I remind myself daily that I too can claim this identity.

When I started my dance journey, I felt very aware that dance is a deeply gendered artform—the rules are different for men and women, and the rules are for men and women only. I didn’t see many dancers who looked like me. I have been mis-gendered in class more times than I can count. I’ve struggled to stay present in dance classes where the gendered expectations left little room for me to move and express myself authentically.

Still, I love to dance, and I love being a dancer. Dance has saved my life, brought me joy, built friendships, and helped me heal from trauma and emotional pain.

I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling marginalized by the gendered pressures of dance, so, in 2019, I began holding classes, workshops, and community healing spaces to help other transgender and gender non-conforming (TGNC) people how to move with confidence, feel embodied, and relate to dance while remaining true to themselves. "Your Gay Dance Teacher" was born.

I am currently in school, continuing my education in Dance and Sign Language because I am deeply committed to facilitating healing through movement, especially for those who have difficulty accessing their own bodies due to gender dysphoria, trauma, inaccessibility, racism, and marginalization. I have found so much healing through dance, and it is my mission to share dance so more of us can heal together.

Every one of my students so far has come to class because they want to relate to their bodies in a deeper way, but they feel anxious or intimidated by dance classes, due to uncomfortable or unsafe past experiences. In my classes, I ensure pronouns and identities are centered, and that racism will not be tolerated. I have seen amazing breakthroughs an